December 18, 2013
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Are we programmed this way?
Recently one of my friends posted something about jealousy and how to overcome it and it got me thinking long and hard on things and I realized something. Anytime I've experienced jealousy from someone else it happened to come from another woman....Never a man. Are we as women programmed this way? Is just put into our nature from a young age? It seems to like men typically, see one of their friends get a new car or motorcycle and ask to take it out for a spin, shake their friend's hand, buy them a beer to celebrate and that's it- no cattiness there from jealous at all. It's all rather cut and dry.
Women on the other hand will sulk when someone has something or numerous something's that they don't have or can't afford. They will sit there and watch in the wings and make slightly rude yet slightly positive comments from the sidelines at times and then run off and bad mouth when the person isn't within earshot of hearing. Now, I'm not saying every woman does this- I've met numerous women who are more then willing and open about the fact that they are jealous about something you have and they don't but on the other hand there are women out there who just make little comments that come off as cold when you do something or get something before them. Why is that?
I mean, as women you are encouraged to express yourself. People want you to discuss your feelings and everything under the sun but when it comes down to jealousy and jealousy with one of your girlfriends everyone suddenly becomes catty and unable to use their words. How is that you can't simply use your words to say you are jealous over this, that and the other instead of sitting around sulking or making snarky comments to one another. Its much easier to speak your mind and not be passive aggressive at the end of the day.
We all have different goals in life and different things that we are good at but we all do have flaws. I do tend to think that some of us do hide our flaws better than others. You also shouldn't have to worry about being like everyone else. If there's one thing I've learned over the years is that just because someone has something or met some goal doesn't mean you have to follow suit to keep with the 'in crowd'.
We as women are held to an insane standard already- why even try to compare yourself to another woman? She has her own personal standard for herself which doesn't have to match your own. The fact that her own standard doesn't match your own doesn't send out the bat signal for cattiness either..Sorry, ladies but it doesn't. Most of the time this happens in mommy land in all honesty but I've seen in other places as well. We shouldn't all be expected to be Superwoman that's simply impossible- if you spread yourself too thin then at the end of the day no one will be happy. There is no need to be running on a treadmill in an imagery pissing contest.
In this respect we should learn to take a lesson from the men. If your girlfriend gets a new car, their kid achieves something, they met a personal goal for themselves...whatever it is that day or that year simply shake her hand or hug her and honestly mean your congratulations to your friend- no cattiness or anything in there. Is it really that hard to be honestly proud of a friend?
Comments (5)
Good essay. In my experience women in romance see themselves in competition with other women for men, and men don't really operate that way, but when I try to tell females about it, they don't believe it.
Men are competitive, but they are also pack hunters (think dogs) and will cooperate with the men they were just competing with the minute there's a goal for the pack to pursue.
My favorite story (which may or may not be actually true) about the difference between the sexes is about baseball in school. During the game, for boys baseball, somebody gets hurt, they get him off the field and go on with the game while he gets looked at somewhere else. For the girls game, somebody gets hurt, they stop the game and check her injuries out on the field, and everybody waits.
I don't know about genetics and don't think it's a good idea to try to mess with it anyway. Gonna leave that bit alone.
Re: environment. US women haven't generally had the advantage of a youth full of team sports. Open and rigorous competition wasn't encouraged as much as with boys. This is changing, and it's a good thing in my estimation.
Also - negative emotions aren't tolerated as much in women as they are in men. It's not that men don't get jealous; we absolutely do. It's just that we have a more socially acceptable outlet for it.
Once that green-eyed monster strikes, the men who have it together tap into that competitive mojo and go out and get a better car, hotter motorcycle, bigger house, cooler partner . . . it's a pack mentality with a heavy dose of competition and recognition for individual achievements.
In the best of situations, what seems to be a negative emotion ends up being a catalyst for positive actions.
JB- I grew up in the dance studio..Trust me, women in the dance world are jealous monsters and they won't say it to your face. They'll be like 'oh, can you show me how to do that right.' and be all nice to your face but behind your back they are making snide comments- the more skilled you become the more the women become jealous and sometimes they simply don't like you because you have better extensions and lines than they do regardless of how much you worked to get better- they don't care.
That's a great example of an unhealthy brand of competition, and it's not restricted to women. It takes a very special teacher/coach to effectively manage competition among young people whether it's a baseball team, a boxing gym or a dance studio, but I think it's even harder in more individual activities like dance or solo sports.
In band I had to deal with jealousy a little bit but there were checks and balances and rules in place. Senior year I got the last chair in the second row of concert band. The girl behind me in the third row was desperate for my spot. She challenged me all three times that she was allowed to challenge me and try and win my chair- it was annoying, yes but clearly I was just better than her and she didn't win the chair.